Stig quits, Clarkson hurt and TopGear Damaged!

Ah the Stig, cornerstone of Top Gear

Now that summer is over and we have all had too much sun, spent too much money and only have the damp short days up to Christmas to look forward too. What a miserable way to start this entry. Doom, gloom and sadness.

Our Jeremy, hero to all

Well perk up readers! If you want to laugh then look no further than our own self appointed guru of cars, Mr Jeremy Clarkson! How I laughed when I read how the ultra secretive, key stone of Top Gear, beloved by all, Stig had finally been unmasked! Just in case you don’t know who it is, I wont spoil it for you. Just get on Google and have a poke around. You wont be that surprised because most Petrolheads had their suspicions anyway, and most of them were right.

So what of the fallout? Clarkson spat dummies, threw toys and gave interviews on minority TV stations* (Show 17 fast forward to 27:10 to skip the Belly vs Morris dancing…) saying how hurt he was, how he and the Stig had drinks together, only to find out that crazy Stiggy had been writing a book. Greed is bad said our  Ferrari driving star to camera in the piece, before heading off into the night back to his tiny house.

If you like Top Gear, you will be horrified to know that Clarkson feels that its been ‘damaged’ by this, and he has been doing nothing for the past three weeks except thinking “what on earth to do.“ Well I can see his problem. Good old TG haven’t had a decent fresh idea in the past 3 series, Stig was fun and all that, but did we really care if he didn’t know anything about ducks? Or that his nipples were shaped like the Nurburgring?

If you were over seven years old and actually enjoyed cars and driving, you probably couldn’t care less who he was or what shape his nipples are. As long as he got that supercar around the track as well as he could, and as fast as he could it didn’t matter. An hour long show held together by a minutes worth of  track time by a bloke in a Simpson helmet listening to Morse Code while and old bloke tries to do funny commentary? Really? Is everything else filler then?

I used to love Top Gear, some of the films that were made were very good. The Vietnamese trip springs immediately to mind. Even if it was all scripted, the fact that you saw the country as a place and not a war was a brilliant bit of TV. But now it seems that its being hosted by people more at home on Saturday morning TV for kids, Timmy Mallett would be a refreshing change.

James? The Stig?

Even James May, my favourite presenter has fallen foul of this insane thought that the show is ruined because we all know Stig’s name. May has suggested that one of the shows next stunts should be “driving to the Stigs house and nailing his head to the table.”

Really James? Well I hate violence in all its forms but when it comes to stuff like this there is only one solution. GOOGLE FIGHT! As you can see from the results, Stig kicks May’s arse all the way back to Top Gear Towers.

The show is weak because of the content around the minute or so of track time. The car is what we all want to see, not the driver. Yes he is very talented, we all applaud that, and root for him to smash the times on the board. The reason we love the Stiggy bits is that we see a car we will never afford driven to the limit. Even if we COULD afford any of the cars he drives there is no way we would be brave enough or talented enough to drive it to that extreme.

So what’s going to happen to old Top Gear? The diehards will still watch it endlessly on Dave, the first episode will have them glued to see what Clarkson’ three weeks of  intense creativity have come up with. Don’t forget, he has done this little stunt on TV before with his old mate Schuey. Stig took his helmet off to reveal that it was Schuey all the time right? What? Wasn’t it? Oh and the death of Black Stig, what would we do? TG should really look hard at itself then switch over to watch Tiff and Vicky Butler Henderson for a bit. Tiff can drive the doors off most things and who wouldn’t want to be Vicky’s seatbelt? Turn off the Saturday morning cartoons and turn on some cars!

Oh! I just had a thought! We don’t know who Stigs African or American cousin is! And what about Mrs Stig? Surely she could have his job now he has been sacked?

Stig and Mrs Stig on Holiday

* Credit to my colleague Darren Moss of Moss on Motoring for pointing this clip out to me.

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