According to my stats for this blog, I have at least one reader. Hello to you whoever you are! Thank you for reading and I hope that I don’t upset you too much with the content of this weeks column.
That’s right, I’m going to talk about girls and cars. To be more specific girls cars and boys cars, now I can hear you sucking your collective teeth right now as you read this, but bear with me and try and hang on till the end, at least you will have something to rant about down the pub later.
So what makes a ‘girls car’ then? Well its a bit of a matter of opinion, there are a few we all agree on, but personally I see anything with a soft top as a bit girly whether it be a 355 or an MX5 and everything in between. Others my see the MGF or Citroen C1 as a girls car. Pink is a BIG no no in the west, but a glance at the tuning scene in Japan will show that’s just not the case. Just look and enjoy the Sumo Power Nissan 350z drift monster.
This really does limit things a bit because I have a secret love of the little Honda Beat, and I am doing some bloke style accounting (a form of financial wizardry that men use to prove they can afford just about anything for £10) to try and get one. This poses a problem as they only come with a rag roof, so by my own definition I will be driving a girls car. It gets worse because there are hints and rumours that Rover (old man’s car maker) talked to Honda (old peoples cars) and asked them to design a small two seater roadster, prior to the introduction of the MGF (Girls car made by old man’s car firm)
Now Beat owners will howl and call foul for this tho I got this information from a Beat owners club member, and if you look hard at the rear of a Beat then a glance at the rear of the MGF looks worryingly similar. So I’m stuck wanting a girls car that was requested and dropped by an old man’s car firm. Pah, I still want one, despite all the jeers I will get. Still it could be worse I could drive an MPV!
MPV’s are a little harder to pin down, you can’t really call them ‘girly’ but even worse ‘Family’ or ‘Mumsy’. I really don’t understand it tho, because as I have said before it doesn’t matter what car you have, the distance between driving a car or walking or even worse taking the bus is measured in light years, buses are for old people and schoolchildren and neither of these groups should be allowed behind the wheel of a car anyway. Think of this, if I was to take away your car for a week, by Friday you would be quite prepared to let me fiddle with your sister in exchange for the keys to my Lada. The only exception to this is the greeney environmentalist types who love taking the black smoke belching, badly maintained bus than kill a few daisies driving a car, well I have news for you lot, I wouldn’t want to fiddle with your sister as she probably has a beard and eats grass.
The personal joy and freedom, even in this age of tolls, speed cameras, potholes and traffic jams that a car brings is insurmountable. Everyday that you get in and drive you should be thankful that you are not stranded at a bus stop waiting with a bunch of 15 year olds who are trying to smoke and spit at the same time desperatly looking for a bus that’s been cancelled. So how come we have become so sniffy over what type of car, and what its owner keeps in the trouser department? Ok there are some obvious differences, Ford Mondeo and Ferrari 430 come to mind but on planet reality the Mondeo kicks the Fezzas arse into next week so the Ford is the better car, right?
I hate this concept of ‘better than’ I’m not saying you shouldn’t be aspirational, of course there is a car of my dreams just like there is one for you but all this ‘girls car, hairdressers car, French car stuff has to stop. Worry more about the bloke behind the wheel than what it is he is driving (unless its a tiny French hatchback with cardboard stuck to it, then feel free to laugh your head off)
All of the above is meant to provoke a little, even if it just gets a few of you banging the table down the local, but remember to enjoy your cars folks, what ever it is you drive, soon the environmentalists will suck all the fun out of it, the fuel will be taxed so high that we will all swap to g-wiz or worse the Prius and we wont be driving cars any more we will all drive milk floats.
Oh and as a foot note, I want a yellow Beat, that not only makes me girly, but mad as a box of soapy frogs too, anyone who owns a yellow car is a certified nutcase.