OK before I start, I realise there are people out there who find references to organised religion offensive, so stop reading now if you are a football fan. Anything I say in this blog is my opinion and should be ignored or at least laughed at. That said, put your tongue in your cheek and lighten up, when all this is published in my first book, I really hope its kept in the smallest room so if you DO laugh to hard, you are safe knowing that there will be no dribbly consequences.
I was in the local bookstore this week, and for some reason found myself in the religious section. Now we have all had a religious moment or two in our lives, the odd wedding or the christening of some obscure relative that you will never see again. Religious moments come regularly if you drive with spirit, the ‘oh-dear-god-I-hope-I-make-it-this-time’ as you enter a bend a bit too fast kind of thing. There was no particular reason I was in that section other than trying to find my way out of it, but curiously I picked up a copy of the King James Bible and glanced at the price.I was quite taken back at the sticker that said a very reasonable £6.99. That’s not bad for the whole of history and supposedly the word of God in your hand, if you believe that kind of stuff. Everything from the creation to the end of the world for under a tenner.
I put it down and went off to look for some non fiction. Then I found myself in the sports section looking at (I cannot tell you why, I must have been on something that day) a book on football called “1001 Football Moments by some bloke I have never heard of but would be familiar to 1001 football nuts” Now here is a tome that talks utter rubbish about something so pointless only Neanderthals can get any pleasure from it. Its bright shiny with nice pictures to point at and people cluck and moo at it while consuming copious amounts of brain cell muting alcohol, its probably wipe clean, but here is the thing, it cost £17.50! That’s more than the word of God!
It got me thinking about cars.
The Kia Pride is by definition a good car. It seats more than one person, it carries some shopping and can move along and stop under its own power. It keeps you dry and warm when its raining and all it asks is a little regular servicing and some fuel in return. Parts are cheap and plentiful , its easy for the user or the AA man to fix and will take you anywhere there is a road. Costs to buy are minimal when it was new and rock bottom in the second hand market, so why are we all not driving one or somthing similar?
Because there are Alfas, BMW’s, Hot Golfs and Civics, cars that are impractical, shouty, heathen, temperamental and expensive to live with. If they were women they would be wearing thongs and 6 inch high heels, with one hand on your credit card and the other on your wedding vegetables. My ex wife earned the nickname Ferrari, she was expensive to run, a bitch to live with and everyone wanted to have a go, but like an idiot I didn’t care, right up to the point when she was nicked. The irony is that she got nicked at least three more times to my knowledge after me, but as a Gentleman, it would be inappropriate for me to make a ‘high mileage’ joke here so I wont.
So where is the similarity between the books an the cars? Well the bible, whether you believe in that sort of thing or not (no offence to anyone here, I’m a Buddhist!) can be taken as a nice set of rules to base things on, if you leave out the corruption and fiddling with choir boys. What you are left with is something that you feel comfy with, something that just does the job, just like the Kia, whereas the shouty drunken pee soaked football tome is all about self indulgence, noise and a fast fix, sure it will give you a hangover and yes people think you are a braindead moron but hell, its a lot more fun with a thong than wooly underwear under your habit.
Ah you are waiting for the conclusion bit eh? the witty bit at the end? Well its hard because I hate football, I’m not crazy on religion and wouldnt drive a Kia Pride unless forced to. So that just leaves me to hooliganise a B road or two, hmm just call me a season ticket holder of Alfa United, mines a large one.